Motherhood, Why Do We Do It?

Mother’s Day is approaching as my daughter prepares for her high school

graduation and I prepare for an empty nest. I find myself in contemplation of motherhood. Why do we do it?

Motherhood seems like an endless goodbye; the slowest grief. They leave the body and then the breast and then your arms with those first tiny steps. They get swallowed by a huge yellow bus, processed by a dysfunctional school system and conditioned by their peers…most of whom you will never really know all that well. Ultimately they make their way to a college possibly far away to embrace strangers and new experiences…most of which you will never learn about.

I remember my son, now 21, leaving for college. I spent his senior year in what I later termed “pre-grief.”  I only knew to call it that later because at the time I had no idea what was happening in my once sane head. I didn’t know grief.  The grief of an empty bedroom to come, not to mention the silence…the missing voice in the conversation. Terrified of a future without the daily motherhood duties. There is the loss of the self.  Who am I if I am not making breakfast, packing lunch and sitting through endless lacrosse games?

With my daughter it is different. Having failed to effectively blend the new family, my daughter lives with her dad and has for the past year. There is no pre-grief. There are no “lasts.”  You know, the last first day of school, the last packed lunch, the last shopping for a dress…etc.  There have been no precious moments.  I’ve missed it all.  As it relates to being a mom, this year has been humbling and hard.  I’ve suffered deep shame, guilt, and regret.  I’ve been incredibly hard on myself and despite my best yogi efforts I haven’t been able to calm the evil voices in my head.  It’s been a year of brutal punishment and mostly just sucking it up. Because of this, it’s taken a while to recognize the symptoms of empty nest syndrome….depression, a sense of loss of purpose, feeling rejected, worry, and anxiety.

I’ve taken much solace in the ultimate mother, nature.  I’ve learned much from her this year.  Watching a diverse abundance of birds and flowers and trees I realize she creates because she can.  She is quiet yet fierce in her devotion.  She nourishes because it is her way. She loves because that is her only language.  I’m inspired to be that kind of mother. It seems like the perfect empty nest mom.

This mother of nature also takes care of herself. She re-invents herself. She’s mature and wise. I trust her.  I have faith in her. Her presence heals.  I’m inspired to be that kind of woman. It seems like the perfect empty nester

Wherever you are in your motherhood journey, I wish you a happy mother’s day.  Whether peaceful or painful, the beauty is there.